‘Last Jedi’ Sucked, There’s No Defending It

I’ve read articles from ComicBookMovie, CBR and IGN and all of those shills are talking about “The Last Jedi” like it was some amazing tour de force in science fiction cinema. They’ll defend the movie at all costs. Something many critics do today, mostly because they’re afraid to have their opinion criticized. So they’ll bend over backwards to justify their horrid tastes. The fact is the “Force Awakens” was just an average film, and this film destroyed any and all payoff that movie built. Why? Good question.

The fans have spoken, “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” will go down as a very divided film. For reference; “Dawn of Justice” had better fan support. That’s right, “Martha!” was better received by audiences, according to Rotten Tomatoes, than “Last Jedi”. 1) Duh, we all know I loved that movie, and 2) Why?

Well, spoilers will be hot and heavy, so try and keep up. Also, this is in particular order, all of these points are equally dumb. Let’s go through this bit by bit.

Leia’s Space Walk
– During the second space battle between the Resistance and the First Order, Leia’s lead ship is struck, and she’s sucked out into space to presumably die. However, now The Force can protect you from decompression, unbelievably cold temperatures, and no oxygen. Leia was able to extend her hand, open her eyes (….WHAT) and pull herself back into the ship, all within the vacuum of space. It was one of the most outrageous moments in the film. It showed a complete breaking of not just common sense, but also established lore. While “Force Awakens” was a rip off, it at least captured the essence of somethings the previous films did. This however, felt like a total departure. Almost as if the Director wanted you to know who fucked with the lore.

The idea of Leia using her powers was one we all wanted, but why not have her deflect the blasts instead, then stumbling to her knees as if to show the strong amount of will it took to channel such a powerful feat. Then we know she’s powerful, but by doing that more than once might be too costly. Boom. I just wrote a better scene than Rian Johnson and company, and it had the same effect.

Rey’s Way Too Damn Strong
– Rey is a Mary Sue. It’s not even debatable. She was a trash collector who was also a skilled warrior, inventor, and pilot; despite never leaving Jaaku. Let’s not even get into how she bested (or at least was about to) a Sith warrior. No, in this film all she did was take on Snoke’s elite guard and dispatch them all, while Kylo Ren (who was healthy and without injury unlike last time) was beaten down and handled like a bitch by the same opponents. Let’s also compare where Ren is after two films, to where Luke was, ok?

Luke couldn’t do shit in Episode IV. He couldn’t detect where a laser was going to be fired from in his training, he needed Ben Kenobi’s help to shoot torpedo’s in the right spot, he only destroyed one Tie Fighter in the Falcon when they escaped from the Empire, and he needed C3PO’s help to avoid getting squished in a trash compactor. In Episode V he lost a hand, got his co-pilot killed in the battle of Hoth, got shown up by Yoda on a perpetual basis, and was a crying whimpering bitch at the end. Let’s also not forget that Luke was trained by Obi-Wan and Yoda. Those two movies took place over months. Rey’s plot line? Days, maybe a week. Rey really only had about twenty minutes of one lesson. So what did Rey do in the week-plus where she found out she had the ability to use the Force? She beat up Luke, killed elite trained guards, out-forced Kylo, killed an entire outfit of Tie Fighters int the Falcon by herself, and then figured out how to move tons and tons of boulders, again, without any training. That’s why the scene where Snoke was torturing her worked, because it was the first time you knew she was in trouble. That’s why it was so rewarding when Ren saved her and the two fought side by side. However, they bungled that up too. So yes, that whole thing is what makes her a Mary Sue. She struggled once, in two films.

This now brings up two rather large plot issues; either Rey is the next coming of Jesus H. Skywalker, and can learn faster than anyone (despite never having any formal training), which will totally outpace the villain, resulting in her being vastly stronger than him in their final encounter – making for a tepid climax, or….

The Villains Are Pathetic
– …That Kylo Ren is just a giant bitch of a villain. And now he’s the main villain. Ren’s temper is understandable but him being bested by Rey, twice, in a row, is a joke. Kylo Ren spent years training with Luke Skywalker and was so powerful that Luke feared him. Then Kylo went on to train with Snoke, who despite having no backstory, no connection with the Force, or any reasons as why he was there, was able to use powers to fuck up people and train Kylo. It’s also worth noting that Snoke’s powers dwarfed Ren’s. That should further emphasize how much more powerful Snoke was to Kylo and how much Kylo stood to learn from him. So Kylo has the power, and has the training. Rey has the power, but no training and is better in every conceivable way to the “trained expert”. Kylo sucks.

Hux is a fucking comedy relief character. Do you remember all those times on the Star Destroyer where Vader made the other Imperial Officers into rag dolls for jokes? No? Cus he literally killed them when they failed. It gave off this aura, this feeling that Vader was this brutal dictator who would kill anyone and everyone who failed him. No matter what. Yet Kylo uses these moments for levity. Levity in a war movie. Levity in a movie where people were dying almost every other second. Levity in a movie where thousands were presumed to have died. Gotta get the ‘LOLZ’ in there.

Then we have Snoke. No explanation given to who he is. What he is. We at least knew the Emperor was a Sith Lord, who trained Darth Vader. We knew that Vader answered to him, he had lead the effort to kill the Jedi Knights, take over the Republic and turn it into the Empire. Yet, before Snoke got snipped, we knew nothing about him. We knew he wasn’t a Sith, but then how did he have powers? There existed no throw-away line to explain that.

They Had One System? – A plot point that people seem to just ignore was, ‘how the hell did the New Republic and Resistance get so decimated so fast?’ Yes, in “A New Hope 2: Electric Boogaloo” we saw Not the Deathstar blow up several planets in a single system. After 30 years of replacing, rebuilding and becoming the single strongest government agency in the Galaxy, you only had a handful of planets? That’s poor leadership that reflects poorly on Leia. Or, as I believe it to be the case, the people in charge of the film reduced the size of the Republic for story telling purposes in “The Last of the Jedi Star Fighters” instead.

I had such a hard time believing that only a few thousand remaining Imperial remnants could exist, build (at least) two Dreadnought class Star Destroyers, an entire World Death Star, and no one knew about this; but possibly trillions of people backed the New Republic, and they are somehow on the brink of extinction after only a few planets were destroyed. I know the Force Awakens emphasized billions died, but they didn’t really hit home that their entire army and society was decimated. That was completely omitted from the film, and by the time it happened I sat in the theater going “….ok, but why them?” It wasn’t really explained how massive the gravity of the destruction was. Now, there are apparently deleted scenes that I’ve never seen, so they may shed some more light. However, as a movie goer, I shouldn’t have to buy the DVD or read the comics to understand massive plot lines, like now the New Republic is on it’s last legs. If they had delivered that messaged more clearly in “Force is Still Waking Up From It’s Nap”, then that would have made such a greater impact on the film. So that was kind of underplayed, huh?

Finn/Rose’s subplot was pointless
– Having Finn and Rose develop their relationship was a good idea, but the way in which they went about it was weak. They sent them on a random errand, to go find a code-breaker, and they don’t even find the right one. They then bring him with them, just to get caught, betrayed and have to fight their way free. They kill Phasma (getting to her later), and then escape. What was the point? What happened with that subplot that needed to happen? Nothing. Nothing that happened there lead to anything relevant. It was all wasted. A wasted bulk of time that stretched out a movie that didn’t need to be stretched out. You could of simply had Rose and Finn in the underbelly of the ship opening up, exploring their characters through conversation, instead running around on huge rabbit-horses. If Benicio Del Toro’s DJ added something to the plot, then sure. But he didn’t. He didn’t even get his comeuppance for betraying the love-struck duo. There almost would’ve been a better angle where Finn and Rose had a deep heart to heart, where they bare their souls, believing their end to be nigh. That would of made their skiff-crash-party more emotionally driven. Instead the whole trip leads to a “big reveal”, where third party arms dealers were making weapons for both sides.

OOOoooo…how riveting.

The Resistance Would of Been Fine had Leaders Divulged Their Plans
– Everyone and their mother are defending Vice Admiral Holdo, claiming that Poe is just “too aggressive” or “too reckless”. Yet he’s a leader of the Resistance. Somehow he’s in the wrong, despite not even being in the role of thee leader. More to the point, let’s look at the track records of previous leaders, shall we?

On the 4th Moon of Yavin, we have an entire briefing about what to do against the Death Star. It’s so clear, and so laid out that Han Solo is able to come in and provide support, knowing the plans of the Rebels.

In Empire Strikes Back Leia is literally seeing going over minor plans with secondary pilots, just to emphasize what they need to do in order to cover the escape of the rest of the Rebellion.

In Return of the Jedi, Mon Mothma is seen detailing distinct and obvious instructions in full detail, so no one is left out of the attack on the second Death Star, as well as the attack on Endor.

So the idea of Holdo having to restrain her plan is obnoxiously wrong and at best her trying to establish credibly for no reason. As a leader, your only job is to lead. That means explaining plans and methodologies to those who follow you. If your entire plan is about running to a secret facility, then why hide that? The only thing that Holdo ended up doing was showcase just how fragile her ego was, that she kept one of her most useful assets in the dark to prove how much more powerful she was.

Also, here’s a thought. Why not evacuate the other ships crew, and transfer their fuel supplies over to the lead ship if the plan all along was to outrun the First Order to a remote planet? Why not condense supplies, so that you have a better chance? Blaming Poe’s behavior for Holdo’s lack of foresight is misguided. Holdo was in charge, she opted to keep a pretty simple plan in the dark for no reason, other than ego. All just to put Poe in his place.

Poe thrives on respect, if Holdo was a true leader she would’ve known this, earned his respect and minimized the death count by listening to one of her best advisors. This is something Leia earned with Poe. Holdo was more worried about being seen as a leader, than acting like one. Which is why everyone but a handful of people backed Poe. Because they all knew Holdo was inept.

Never has the Rebellion had such bad leadership.

Luke Was Wasted
– Luke was cranky, on an ugly island, with tiny frog people as his only company. He had forced moments of comedic relief, and then he drank milk from an ugly set of nipples. They then told a story about how he tried to kill an innocent kid. Then he mentally projected himself across the galaxy…and then died.

SUPER GREAT TIME. No wonder rumors exist of Mark Hamil hating the script. Hamil gave interviews where he said that he was surprised and unhappy with many of the decisions the new trilogy made. To such a point that he didn’t even recognize the character. So the most popular character of the entire saga is reduced to being an old, unlikable hermit, who dies the moment he does anything worth talking about. That’s a pretty shitty use of a franchise staple.

‘Force’d Humor
– This was just horrendous. From Luke throwing Obi-Wan’s lightsaber off the cliff without even batting an eye, to Snoke – about to kill Rey – using her lightsaber as a prop gag to hit her in the back of the head for the ‘LOLZ’, this film was filled with unnecessary humor. Kylo Ren throwing Hux into the side of a ship, and the pilot then making a joke about it was so unnecessary, and destroyed any tension in that scene. The film did a horrible job of creating genuine tension, because they kept destroying any real moments with prop gags and slapstick humor. And I love prop gags and slapstick humor! That’s not to say it all was forced, though. There are moments in between the tension where humor can live.

The scene that I thought best used humor was when Chewbacca was chilling on Luke’s island by himself eating. He had this little rabbit-chicken-thing he was eating, when the rest of the little critters came to watch Chewie eat. Chewie was so taken aback by this that he couldn’t finish his meal. That was genuinely funny, watching Chewbacca try to eat without being guilted. However, the reason that worked while the stuff with Hux and Kylo didn’t, is because Chewbacca wasn’t doing anything necessary. He was eating. He wasn’t in danger, there was no imminent threat, he was allowed to have some humor. He’s always been the light-hearted character, so this was acceptable. But watching Hux and Ren, who are now the major bads in the film, arguing like children and constantly being involved with prat falls and running gags is pathetic and destructive to how fans should view them. There is no threat left in the First Order to worry about, so it makes the Resistance look even more pathetic that they have been getting their asses kicked by untrained, and belligerent man-children.

Rule of thumb, if you’re going to kill people in the scene, don’t make jokes. Just a thought.

Captain Phasma Let The Rebellion Destroy Starkiller Base
– Yup. It’s established that Phasma’s armor is blaster resistance. As blasters are energy, and not a solid material, it doesn’t matter how close a blaster shot is, the energy will disperse across the armor the same. So the entire scene in The Force Awakens where they hold her captive at blaster point is even more hilariously stupid, because she was in no real danger. So good job film makers, for not conversing with one another.

It was Lords of The Rings
– The entire plot of the movie was that the Resistance flew in one direction for the entire movie. Hell, to say this was a weak Lord of the Rings spoof would be insulting to Lord of the Rings (a franchise I don’t like), because at least they had detours that made sense, interactions that mattered and built up characters across their stagnant-walking-journey. Last Jedi just featured them flying in one direction, with no one talking about the plans that would save lives.

Off Screen Death of Major Character(s)?
– Did you realize it? Admiral Ackbar was killed off screen. Don’t believe me? He was on the deck that Leia was on when she got blown in to outer space. Also, Nien Nunb was shown to be alive to start the film, but…where was he at the end? So he apparently died off screen too. Also, where was Greg Grunberg’s Temmin Wexley? He was a vital part of “Force Awakens”, so did Rian Johnson just decide to erase important secondary characters from cannon?

Yeah, this movie sucked. Plot points that were built up in Episode VII, were dismissed in Episode VIII without any real reason. Deaths that didn’t make sense were utilized for shock value and not story development. Questionable character arcs were abound and it the whole thing, if described in only one phrase, just felt forced.