Admittedly WrestleMania 26 isn’t a bad card. Not entirely. Not comparatively. Yet, I can do better. I mean, come on. Of course I can. Just so we’re clear right off the bat, there isn’t one match that remains from the previous version of the card. Not. One. Yes, even THAT one.
If the WWE isn’t going to honor the stipulation, why the hell have it all?
Here’s the original card, so you can cherish the main event while you can.
Unified Tag Team Championship
ShoMiz vs. Morrison and R-TruthRandy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
Money in the Bank
Jack Swagger vs. Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Evan Bourne vs. Kane vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy vs. MVP vs. Shelton BenjaminTriple H vs. Sheamus
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk
No Holds Barred
Vince McMahon vs. Bret HartaWorld Heavyweight Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs. EdgeAlicia Fox, Layla, Marse, Michelle McCool and Vickie Guerrero vs. Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James
WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs. BatistaNo DQ – Streak vs. Career
Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker
So let’s start with the opener. Firstly, John Cena vs. Batista and Chris Jericho and Edge weren’t great matches. So we’re going to just gut those. Edge came back at the Royal Rumble and won, with huge applauds. He would be booked against Chris Jericho, who’d go on to win the World Championship at The Elimination Chamber event.
So instead of falling into a pretty average bout, we’re going to shake things up radically. Edge still wins at the Rumble, and starts stalking Sheamus and The Undertaker heading into the Elimination Chamber. The entrants for the WWE Championship remains the same, but then-Champ Sheamus, Cena and Kofi Kingston will be the final three. Kofi will pin Sheamus, leading to Kofi and Cena being the last two. Edge will sneak his way into the Chamber and accidentally spear Kofi after targeting Cena. This will turn Edge heel. Cena takes out Edge and goes to pin Kofi, who hits a surprising inside cradle on Cena for the shocking win.
Edge picks Kofi the next night on RAW, spearing him and proclaiming that Kofi got lucky and isn’t “good enough” to hold that belt.
WWE Championship
Edge vs. Kofi Kingston (c)
The WWE tag titles were defended against Ron Killings and John Morrison here, but I’m not a fan of that pairing for the outcome I have in mind. ShoMiz can be a thing, only because I’m going to run The Miz back into the midcard. Morrison will have cost The Miz the United States Championship to Dolph Ziggler on an episode of….was it RAW? Who cares. Ziggler wins the belt because of Morrison. Bourne gets caught up in a match with Big Show, and Miz gets involved trying to cripple Bourne the next week as a way to show the world he means business. Morrison helps Bourne out, and the duo challenge ShowMiz for the titles.
Unified WWE Tag Team Championship
John Morrison and Evan Bourne vs. ShoMiz (c)
This match is just to get these three schmucks into the event. It goes eight matches. No one cares how it happens. They’re all working out and Triple H laughs at how little they lift? Let’s go with that. It’s an angle about who can lift more. Boom. If I could fire these three flipped-over-turtles, I would.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus vs. Triple H
It’s a simple Money in the Bank concept. I shook things up, for obvious reasons as you’ll see, and have already read. Swagger, Christian, the Lone Hardy, MVP, Killings and Benjamin will win qualifies over Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Mark Henry, Goldust, Finlay and William Regal.
Money in the Bank
Jack Swagger vs. Christian vs. Matt Hardy vs. MVP vs. Ron Killings vs. Shelton Benjamin
After Ziggler wins the United States Championship, but Rey pins him the next week on SmackDown in a non-title match. Ziggler wants a rematch but Rey scoffs at him, wanting instead to challenge for the World Heavyweight title on SmackDown. Rey fails to qualify for the Elimination Chamber match because of Ziggler’s interference, but is put into the Elimination Chamber match anyway because Ziggler is seen as a dweeb by Teddy Long and Rey’s too valuable. This is stated outright to Ziggler. Ziggler then begins cutting promos heading into the Elimination Chamber match talking about how he’s being disrespect but he can beat Rey and beat him easily. He then starts parading around in a fake-lucha mask, mocking Rey’s customs.
None of this works however, until after Elimination Chamber, where Ziggler questions if Rey “still has it”, and calls him an old, washed up has-been. A “WCW reject who can barely walk”. Rey finally accepts Ziggler’s challenge, but only for Ziggler’s title.
WWE United States
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (c)
This one’s easy, The Champs mock Beth Phoenix and Natalya for not being “hot” and being too “muscular” to be seen as “real” women. The GM’s of each show find Maryse and McCool’s rhetoric offense and demand they defend their belts. The winner gets the championship of the person they pin, while the partner gets the other title.
WWE Women’s and Divas Championship Tag Match
Beth Phoenix and Natalya (w/Jim Neidhart) vs. Michelle McCool(c) and Maryse (c)
Drew McIntyre is in the midst of his Chosen One gimmick and admittedly this bout happened at Elimination Chamber. You could put any of the three douche-migos (Sheamus/Triple H/Orton) into this bout but I have a better idea. McIntyre blows through Kane at the Elimination Chamber and mocks the veteran with his old 2002-circa mask the next show.
Kane is visited by a “stranger” who convinces Kane to go dark side. Kane takes a week off before returning in a modified version of his old-full mask. Kane, no longer talking, and backed by his ‘father’ Paul Bearer destroys the entire RAW roster (Drew had been moved to RAW as a favor from Vince McMahon). When Chris Jericho turns face to fight for Bret Hart, Vince pits Drew vs. Jericho. If Jericho wins, he can stay on RAW and join Bret Hart in a team at WrestleMania. Drew loses the match clean, following which Kane comes out and destroys a dozen people at ringside as Drew runs away.
Vince to get back at Drew for allowing Jericho to join Team Hart, books Drew against Kane at WrestleMania. Kane then faces off against Caylen Croft, Trent Barreta, Tyler Reks, Vance Archer, The Great Khali and Cryme Tyme in a 7 on 1 gauntlet match that Kane wins in less than 3 minutes. No wrestler lasts more than 25 seconds against Kane. Drew enters WrestleMania running from Kane, who’s back to his movie monster ways.
WWE Intercontinental
Kane vs. Drew McIntyre(c)
John Cena loses at Royal Rumble and Elimination Chamber. He’s distraught, unsure what to do for WrestleMania. He asks for a shot at Drew McIntyre but Vince and Co. tell him no, that he hasn’t earned one of those titles either. Cena then spends a week contemplating what to do, to the point he nearly gets upset by Goldust. After that match he just leaves through the crowd.
That following week on SmackDown, The Undertaker comes out to challenge the New World Heavyweight Champion, but as he’s talking Cena emerges from the crowd. Cena stares down the Dead Man, hopping the guard rail, and grabs the mic. Cena tells ‘Taker that ‘Taker can go for the title anytime he wants, but ‘Taker can only defend his WrestleMania streak once a year. Cena hops on the ring apron and tells ‘Taker that it doesn’t matter whom The Deadman picks to fight at WrestleMania, because Cena will not stop stalking the Dead Man. Cena needs to be challenged. He needs to have his match at ‘Mania be epic, to not be a throw away bout like Vince wants him to have.
He can think of only one challenge he can make that isn’t for a title, but is still top notch competition; Taker’s streak. Taker warns John to not go looking for the Reaper, because careers end fast at WrestleMaina. Cena nods, and leaves the ring, before sneaking back in and hitting an F-U on ‘Taker. Taker sits right back up, does the throat slash and accepts the challenge.
John Cena vs .The Undertaker
Bret Hart gets kneed by Vince McMahon on Bret’s return to RAW just like before. Only instead of building up to a one on one match that’ll surely suck, Bret will show up to the next show with the new Hard Dynasty in tow. Vince then makes a deal with Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiasie to join him at WrestleMania in a tag team match against the Harts.
A few weeks prior to WrestleMaina, Vince makes a ‘deal’ with another wrestler that if Team McMahon wins at WrestleMania, they’ll get a World title shot of their choice. That same night Batista attacks Bret and “injures” Bret’s knee. The next week Chris Jericho arrives on RAW, defeats Drew McIntyre and earns the right to fight with The Harts at WrestleMania. Wanting the upper hand, Vince also recruits Williams Regal for WrestleMania, thinking the hart’s would only have three wrestlers and a barley mobile Hart.
Goldust emerges though as Dustin Rhodes and berates Cody for siding with Vince in attacking wrestling royalty. He reminds Cody how Vince treated their father and how easily it’d be for Vince to turn his focus on the Rhodes’ family if Cody were to fail. Cody attacks Dustin. Stephanie McMahon comes out the week before WrestleMania to tell her father the board has appointed her as the new boss of the WWE for the next week or two; due to Vince’s judgement and re-assertion into action. She tells her father in order to appease the board, she had to make the match at ‘Mania fair, and names Dustin’s Goldust persona as the fifth member of Team Hart.
She then tells Vince that Bret Hart’s match at WrestleMania had some really confusing language put in, and basically Vince signed a deal that would give Bret Hart control over the WWE for one year if Vince were to lose…
Team Hart vs. Team McMahon
Bret Hart, DH Smith, Tyson Kidd, Chris Jericho, Goldust (w/The Hart Family and Jim Neidhart) vs. Vince McMahon, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Batista, William Regal
In the main event, we see a new wrinkle to the iconic bout. Instead of Shawn Michaels going after The Undertaker again after losing at WrestleMania 25, we see Michaels shell-shocked. He becomes despondent and unhinged, something even Triple H can’t shake him from. At the Royal Rumble, CM Punk insults HBK and tells him that his “fictitious” God can’t help Michaels but if Michaels were to join the Straight Edge Society he could help bring back the “old” Heart Break Kid.
In the Rumble match, Punk eliminates him second-to-last, only for Punk to be tossed out by Edge. Michaels again on the losing end falls further into his funk. Michaels loses a qualifier to Kofi Kingston for the RAW Elimination Chamber, and then loses to Rey Mysterio on SmackDown for other Chamber match. This is done because Teddy Long feels bad for Michaels and does him a favor.
Michaels announces his retirement at the Elimination Chamber, saying he’s lost the ability to close out matches. Punk wins the chamber, winning the World Heavyweight Championship, and does so by hitting the Undertaker with Sweet Chin Music. Punk takes the mic after the match and tells Michaels “I did what you couldn’t do, kill what’s already Dead.” He’ll stop and look at the camera before saying “Some worship God’s on this roster, while I’ve become one.” He’ll then hit the HBK-pose as the show ends.
On RAW, Michaels gets a huge send off, Ric Flair style. Complete with sappy teary eyed video, and off camera gestures. Triple H, Jericho, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Ric Flair, The Undertaker and others will all be there to send off HBK. After RAW goes off the air, Punk emerges from the crowd and brutalizes HBK. Punk gets escorted out in cuffs, covered in Michaels’ blood. This then gets played to start SmackDown, highlighting the brutality of Punk’s actions. Teddy Long comes out and announces that he’s meeting with WWE-higher ups to determine Punk’s future.
Punk cuts a promo with the Straight Edge Society and proclaims that whether he’s stripped of the belt, suspended or even fired, that it doesn’t matter. He’s already become a martyr and he’ll gladly go to Orlando (TNA) and show the world his influence can’t be stopped. That he’ll corrupt the “Sunday Schoolers” wherever he goes. That soon everyone will be part of the Straight Edge Society.
When Teddy Long finally makes his announcement to close SmackDown, he reveals the WWE Higher Ups knew this would be how Punk would respond, and they planned his punishment accordingly. Punk, already in the ring surrounded by security guards, retorts with a “what, you gonna make Shawn wrestle me?” To which Teddy replies with an empathic “Yes! At WrestleMania, Playa!” Punk laughs before HBK comes out and goes after Punk. Security keeps them apart as the show goes off the air.
Over the weeks, HBK will try and Sweet Chin Music CM Punk, in order to prove to Punk, the fans and mostly himself that he can still go. Punk gets Michaels to agree to retire for good if HBK loses, to which Michaels agrees. HBK tires to kick CM Punk in the restroom, the locker room, in a tag match and even at a restaurant but can’t get it done. Finally on the go-home show to WrestleMania, Punk has locked HBK out of the venue and has security guards surrounding him all show long. In the closing segment before Mania, Punk cuts a scathing promo, telling Michaels that he couldn’t even land a kick on Punk, how does he expect to beat Punk if he can’t get one measly kick in? This is instantly met with a sudden Sweet Chin Music from a security guard. The other guards attack the Straight Edge Society and they reveal that it’s Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat and a few random faces.
One Last Chance – World Heavyweight Championship
Career vs. Title
Shawn Micheals vs. CM Punk(c)
Show Results
WWE Championship
Edge vs. Kofi Kingston (c)
– Edge does everything he can to put Kofi down, but he keeps missing the spear. Edge dominates for a majority of the match, but on his fifth spear miss, turns around and eats a Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: ….and still Champion Kofi Kingston.
Unified WWE Tag Team Championship
John Morrison and Evan Bourne vs. ShoMiz (c)
– Morrison and Bourne target and take apart The Big Show, with both men using their quickness and athleticism to keep Show off balance, and allows Morrison and Bourne to pin him for the win; with Miz never getting a chance in the match. Post match Miz beats down The Big Show with a lead pipe to the leg.
Winner: …and New Unified Tag Team Champions, Morrison and Bourne.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus vs. Triple H
– Rest hold, rest hold, rest hold. Triple H pulls a shovel from his nose, pedigree, pedigree and pedigree. LAWL, Triple H wins.
Winner: Not the fans (Triple H).
Money in the Bank
Jack Swagger vs. Christian vs. Matt Hardy vs. MVP vs. Ron Killings vs. Shelton Benjamin
– Killings’ almost wins the belt, but Swagger throws him off into two tables that had Hardy and Christian set up on it. Swagger wins the match and lays out MVP with a big boot after MVP went to shake the hand of the green horn.
Winner: …and Mr. Money in the Bank Jack Swagger
WWE United States
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (c)
– Rey Mysterio and Dolph Ziggler run each other to empty in this match. Neither man hits an offensive maneuver for nearly 10 minutes, with only reversals and misses making up the bout. That is until Rey goes for a top rope maneuver and eats a top rope Zig Zag. Ziggler finally wins the match and Rey shakes Ziggler’s hand.
Winner:…and Still WWE United States Champion, Dolph Ziggler.
WWE Women’s and Divas Championship Tag Match
Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs. Michelle McCool(c) and Maryse (c)
– Beth and Nattie win in three minutes as both of the champs try running away. The Anvil picks them both up and throws them into the ring where Nattie and Beth get the win. Beth pins Maryse, and Nattie takes Michelle’s title in accordance to the stipulation.
Winner:….and New WWE Divas and Women’s Champions Beth Phoenix and Natalya Neidhart.
WWE Intercontinental
Kane vs. Drew McIntyre(c)
– Kane destroys Drew McIntyre for a bulk of the first few minutes before Drew hits a Claymore to turn the tide. Drew rebounds and starts an onslaught on Kane for a few minutes before hitting a second Claymore but Kane instantly gets up. Drew Claymores the referee on accident, before grabbing a chair. He keeps Kane at bay with it for a minute or so, but as the ref stirs, Drew slaps the ring, and hurls it at Kane. Kane catches it, and Drew hits the mat. Ref sees Kane with the chair and DQ’s the Big Red Machine.
Winner:….and Still WWE Intercontinental Champion, Drew McIntyre
John Cena vs .The Undertaker
– Typical ‘Taker match. Cena takes the early advantage. ‘Taker battles back. Cena hits him with the Five Knuckle Shuffle, and ‘Taker responds with an old School. Cena tries for the Attitude Adjustment/F-U three times, with the third being reversed into a Tombstone Piledriver, boom, 1-2-3 and ‘Taker extends his streak.
Winner:….The Undertaker
Team Hart vs. Team McMahon
Bret Hart, DH Smith, Tyson Kidd, Chris Jericho, Goldust vs. Vince McMahon, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Batista, William Regal
– The Hart’s are at ringside as unexpected backup, flanked by all the brothers, sisters, and in-law’s the WWE can muster; including Nattie and her father. The teams tag frequently and often but never letting Bret or Vince in just yet. Bret’s wearing his old gear and came out to his old music; because fuck what really happened. After twenty minutes or so, Vince runs over and rips Bret off the apron and low blows him. Cody, having been wrestling his brother most of the night sees what Vince did and takes issue with it. Vince defends himself by saying “Bret slipped, I was helping him up!”, to which Cody retorts “By his balls!” Cody – the legal man- then slaps Vince and yanks him into the match. Bret tags in just as Cody kicks McMahon in the balls. Cody, The rest of Team Hart and the Hart Family ringside attack the heels as the referee knowingly pretends to not see, revealing he has Bret Hart sunglasses in his back pocket because he’s a fan.
As Vince crawls on his knees, Bret towers over him and stares menacingly at Vince, before reigning down fist after fist on Vince’s face; blooding him up. Jericho slides in, and hits a Code Breaker on the kneeling McMahon, dropping Vince to his back. Bret then puts Vince in the Sharpshooter as Vince impotently taps out and the good guys sail off into the night.
Winner:….Team Hart
One Last Chance – World Heavyweight Championship
Career vs. Title
Shawn Micheals vs. CM Punk(c)
– CM Punk starts the match by sending the Straight Edge Society to the back before he ever gets in the ring. As he doe she eats a Sweet Chin Music! Michaels goes for the pin but Punk gets out at two and immediately takes a powder at ringside. HBK doesn’t stop perusing and gets Punk on the run for a bulk of the early match with Punk literally diving from the ring on three separate occasions to avoid the Sweet Chin Music.
Punk rebounds however after Michaels goes for a forth and hits the ring corner while on the outside. The foot striking the corner of the ring causes HBK’s knee and foot to become “injured” and Punk the takes the next segment of the match to work it over. Kicking it, dropping elbows, applying unique submission holds to it. Doing everything he can to make Michaels suffer and his kick in effective.
Michaels is able to battle back but can’t get a full extension on his kick, leaving to a weak Sweet Chin Music and an easy kick out at one by Punk. Michaels attempts another from the opposite side of his body but his weakened knee buckles and the opposite leg Sweet Chin Music falls short.
Eventually Punk regains the upper hand, and goes for the Go to Sleep on HBK, but HBK drops back and hits Punk with a weak Sweet Chin Music. Punk again kicks out but Michales hits another, and then another, and then another. The last one he’s able to get a full reach on, and renders Punk out cold; but Michaels can’t get up. He tries crawling but his knee is in too much pain. Finally Micahels grabs Punk’s leg and pulls him into a pin but Punk kicks out just at 2.9.
Punk then goes for chop block on HBK, dropping Michaels. While on the ground, Punk puts his foot on HBK’s foot, and proceeds to lock Michaels in place as he starts soccer-kicking HBK’s damaged knee. He then drags HBK by his mangled knee to the center of the ring, before mockingly putting HBK into the Sharpshooter. Michaels fights for several minutes, nearly breaking the hold three different times. On the third time though, Punk re-cinch the hold, pulls back and makes HBK tap.
Punk weakly celebrates before kneeling in respect to Michaels, leaving the belt behind, and giving Shawn the ring. (Punk gets his heat back by attacking Michaels the next night on RAW)